


Part I: "Don't you ever tame your demons..."

by cosmics (Cosmics)



Series: ashes in my wake [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Lightsabers, and mentions of slavery, it's still pre-AOTC, not graphic violence but there is death, only allusions to the beginning of anidala, zygerrians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-19 22:13:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2404763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cosmics/pseuds/cosmics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mox can't get adjusted into the Jedi way of life. The darkness is creeping up on her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "Oblivion is calling out your name..."

I never liked hiding.  
It feels like lying.  
Lying in these bushes  
and watching the slavers  
makes me anxious,  
makes me tug on my braid  
in frustration.  
“You’ll pull out your bands,”  
Aayla whispers.  
I stop pulling.  
I go back to watching.

   
The Zygerrians are loading  
the ‘cargo’  
into a ship.  
We will not be on this planet for much longer  
if things continue the way they are.  
I will be glad once this system disappears from my sight  
and I won’t miss it if I  
never come back.

   
“When are we going to actually  
do something  
about this?”  
Anakin is frustrated.  
His anger and hatred  
spill  
from his Life Force.

   
“Calm down,”  
Aayla says.  
Ever the mediator.  
“Soon enough.”

   
Life forms  
are being treated  
like the caked  
red jungle mud  
of this planet.  
We are Jedi  
and we are sitting around  
not  
moving.  
Watching.

   
“When?”  
Anakin inquires.  
He is getting  
impatient.

   
Aayla’s annoyance grows  
in the Force.  
It is good that Anakin  
does not have so close a connection  
to the Living Force  
as I do.  
He would be very put off.  
“Mox,  
you stay here  
with Anakin.  
I will go around to the other side  
and draw their attention.  
Then we will ambush them.”

   
She is gone  
less than a second later,  
her moves through the jungle  
silent and graceful  
as a Jedi’s should be.  
Anakin and I watch her go.

   
“Finally.”  
A mutter makes its way across to me.  
I can’t help but  
agree with him.

   
We have a while to wait for Aayla  
to create chaos  
because the clearing is  
vast,  
the trees burnt down  
and the muck  
covered with grass.  
Anakin turns his head to me  
but I stay in my crouched position  
facing the slavers.  
I can tell from his Life Force  
he is upset  
by the scene in front of us.  
“Did you know your mother?”  
he asks me.

   
I startle.  
No Jedi I’ve known  
has ever had the  
audacity  
to ask me that.  
“No,”  
I tell him.  
“I don’t remember  
anything.”

   
“Nothing?”

  
 “Nothing.” 

  
"Is that better?”

   
“Better than  
what?”

   
“Would you rather  
remember?”

   
“No.”

   
“I was nine.”

   
“I know.”

   
A slight explosion  
signals the start of our plans  
and Anakin leaps into the action  
with his lightsaber swinging  
through the air.  
I am just as quick to join.  
This mass destruction  
gives me life;  
distracts me from the  
struggle  
of facing the horrors.  
Not a good trait  
for a Jedi.  
Not like Aayla.  
Be more like Aayla.

   
And soon the slavers are  
dead  
or wounded  
or have surrendered  
and the orange blade  
of my lightsaber  
retreats into the hilt  
as the final bodies  
of those who did not  
surrender  
fall.

   
And the beings -  
the intended slaves -  
are  
free.

   
Five standard days have lead up to  
this.  
The planet’s military force  
will collect the bodies  
and the former slavers  
who are still alive  
and take them to the prisons  
or wherever they keep their  
evil.  
And now Aayla will go back  
to the Temple  
and be Knighted  
and Anakin will go back to Master Obi-Wan  
and the rescued beings  
will be refugees on Coruscant,  
well taken care of until they are  
back on their feet,  
and I will be somewhere  
I don’t belong.

   
I will be happy to leave Baroonda,  
but I do not want to go back  
to Coruscant  
either.  
I do not want to go back  
to Master Windu.  
There should be a connection  
between a Master and his Padawan.  
It does not exist between us  
as it does Aayla and her Master  
or Anakin and his.

   
I plan to sleep the whole way back,  
with the thrum of hyperspace  
vibrating through my bunk.  
Anakin comes into the room once  
while I am  
half-asleep  
and checks on me  
through the Force  
before climbing into his cot.

   
I am not aware of anyone else,  
not even the  
suffering  
of the refugees  
as sleep consumed  
the rest of me.  
It is not a peaceful sleep,  
but I do not have nightmares.

 

**///**

   
The transport pulls up to the platform  
upon which Master Kenobi and Master Vos wait for their padawans.  
I rub my eyes  
then bow to both of them.  
Obi-Wan is sympathetic.  
“Master Windu instructed  
me to tell you that he cannot be here to meet you now.  
There are  
pressing matters  
he needs to address.”  
I nod.  
It is not unusual  
that Master Windu has things  
he has to take care of.  
He is,  
after all,  
on the Council.  
“Will you be  
alright?”

   
“yes Master,  
I think  
I’ll just get something to eat  
after the debriefing.  
I do not mind being  
alone.”

   
Master Kenobi looks concerned  
but he nods  
and I do not say anything  
as Aayla and Anakin  
speak about the mission.  
They do not mention my dream.  
When we are dismissed,  
Anakin waves goodbye.  
Aayla just sends me off with a  
concerned glance.

   
It is not a far walk to the platform  
to be taken away from the Temple.  
I sit next to a woman  
with dark hair  
who looks too important  
to be on this commuter transport.  
A guard sits on her other side  
and if it were not the only seat left  
I would have sat somewhere else.  
“Are you a padawan?”  
she asks me  
once the speeder begins to move.  
She looks at my robes  
and the braid  
partially hidden  
under my hair.

   
“Yes,”  
I tell her.

   
“Do you know Anakin Skywalker?”  


“Yes.”

   
“Are you close to him?”

   
“I was just on a mission with him.”  
I do not know how to answer her question  
so I avoid it.  
All Jedi are my brothers and sisters  
but I do not know much about him.  
“He returned unscathed.”

   
“Is he well? Is he an  
exceptional Jedi?”  
Her eyes look hopeful.

   
I tell her the truth.  
“He is in pain,  
I think.  
From what, I do not know.  
He hides it well.  
I do not think many could notice it.”  
I pause.  
“But yes,  
he is a great warrior.  
Cunning,  
and clever,  
if not a bit…  
unorthodox for a Jedi.”

   
Her face falls slightly  
before the same smile  
is picked up again.  
“I knew him when he was small.  
I have not seen him for  
ten years.”

   
“He is not the same boy you knew.”

   
“I assumed that much.  
The Jedi change a person.”  
She pauses in her diction.  
“I’m Padme.”  
I’d known that since I’d taken a closer look at her.  
The former queen  
and senator of Naboo.  
I saw on the holonet  
news of her being on Coruscant  
to stop the military creation act.

   
“Mox.”

   
The transport comes to a stop.

   
“Well, Mox,  
it was nice to meet you.  
Hopefully we’ll see each other again soon.”

   
I nod,  
and make my way off the transport  
to the diner to eat  
alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Bastille's "Oblivion".  
> The chapters will be getting continuously longer and hopefully things will become clearer as the story progresses. Enjoy!


	2. "I can't sleep, no, not like I used to."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Temple library is a singular refuge for Mox Howes. It can't be for much longer.

The library in the Temple is set up like a wheel  
and therefore it takes a long time  
to find desired information  
without the help of Madame Jocasta.  
It is also hard to find  
people  
in the massive shelves and studies  
if you are looking for one person in particular.  
To me,  
that  
is it’s greatest advantage.  
When I am not needed by Master Windu  
I am hiding in the among the holobooks  
and hoping that neither Master Kenobi  
nor Aayla come to speak to me.  
I can feel the worry leak off of them in the Life Force  
when they near me  
and I wonder if they can sense the inner turmoil  
or if they think I’m just  
too alone  
for a padawan.  
  
So I peruse the aisles  
and avoid everyone in the building.  
I have managed to hide away for three standard days,  
not even having been seen by Master Windu.  
Unless a padawan is on a mission  
then they are supposed to make contact with their Masters everyday.  
He hasn’t come looking yet,  
so he must be busy enough without me.  
  
The holobook I focus on now  
instructs a Padawan in the way of the Living Force.  
It is irrelevant for me to read  
because my connection with that aspect  
is stronger than ever  
and better than that of some Masters.  
It distracts me, though,  
from the warmth-blurred presence  
of Master Kenobi  
strolling through the main entrance.  
I hear him across the quiet aisle greet Madame Jocasta  
and ask,  
“Have you seen Padawan Howes?”  
Stealthily as possible, I cross a spoke of the wheel  
and into the next aisle  
leaving the holobook open on the table.  
I can’t hear them anymore,  
but I can feel his presence moving toward the spot I just  
vacated.  
I don’t stick around  
to feel his confusion.  
I am quickly onto the next aisle  
and then the next.  
About halfway around,  
I jump, using the Force to propel  
me upwards  
onto a shelf  
where he would not see me.  
He will feel my presence in the Force  
and he will know I am hiding  
and I know he will wonder why  
but that is a risk I am going to have  
to take.  
I feel him coming  
closer and closer  
across the library  
sorting his way through the shelves  
following my Life Force  
to below my hiding spot.  
He looks for a holobook  
for a brief second  
and then I hear him softly say,  
“Padawan.”  
I do not answer.  
“Why are you hiding?  
I just want to talk.”  
I move slightly upon the shelf  
and my boots scuff against the wood  
and he looks up so I know he heard.  
I move down so my legs hand over the edge  
and I can look him in the eye.  
He asks,  
“Why are you always  
alone?”  
I am quiet.  
He is quiet too.  
  
“I am alone  
because I want to be.”  
  
“You don’t like Aayla  
or Anakin  
or and of your other peers?”

“It’s not that I don’t like them,  
it’s that I don’t like interaction.”  
He doesn’t know what to say to that  
and I jump down from the shelf.  
“Is there a reason  
you were looking for me  
Master Kenobi?”

  
“I am going to Baroonda,  
to finish cleaning up after the slavers  
and to mediate with the rulers.  
Anakin will not be going with me.  
I want you to study  
together.”  
  


My face twists but I only say,  
“Yes Master.”  
  
“I think it will be good  
for both of you.  
He does not really interact  
with anyone  
other than me.”  
  
“Yes Master.”

“I leave tomorrow.  
Madame Jocasta has your assignments.  
Do not let him convince you  
to let him slack off.”  
  
“I understand Master.”

“I’ve been told that you are strong  
with the Force,  
stronger than most.”  
  


“Yes Master.  
Mainly the Life Force.”  
  
“Maybe teach him  
some of that?  
He is not strong with the Force  
as one should be  
with his midichlorian count.”  
  
“I will try,  
Master Kenobi.”  
  
“Padawan Howes,  
you remind me much of myself.”  
His face quirks into a  
small, sad  
smile.

“I am not nearly so great as you,  
Master Kenobi.”  
  
“You will be  
better,  
padawan.  
Master Yoda speaks of great things to come  
for you.”  
  


We bow  
and he puts his holobook away  
and I watch his figure retreat from the library.

  
 **///**

  
Apparently Master Kenobi told Anakin  
where he could find me  
and also that I may be a bit  
begrudging.  
I felt his star-bright presence coming,  
so different from Master Kenobi’s,  
and when he finally reached me  
we began studying the Life Force.  
  
Halfway through,  
Anakin is fidgeting and obviously  
bored.  
“Can we take a break?  
We have three standard days  
to finish this assignment.  
We’re ahead of schedule already.”  
  
I nod.  
I would want nothing more  
than a cup of tea now.  
I begin to pack up my books  
and he watches for a little while  
before putting a hand out to stop me.  
He quiets his voice  
and asks me,  
“Why is your lightsaber  
orange  
rather than green?”  
He pauses.  
“Is representative of  
the Sith  
you defeated  
when you were just a new padawan,  
like the rumors say,  
or is there another reason?”

This padawan is not Jedi-like,  
but rather  
blunt.  
“I do not know if  
I want to be  
here.  
As for the defeat of the Sith,  
I do not know what happened,  
just that I have a scar  
as a painful reminder  
of my loss.”  
 _‘The loss of my first Master,’_  
goes unspoken.

The volume of my tone  
matches his.  
There is no one within sight  
but I feel Madame Jocasta’s presence near  
and she would not hesitate to tell  
Master Windu  
or Master Kenobi  
like Aayla and Anakin did.  
So I keep my voice low  
and I resist the urge to run my fingers  
over the raised line  
on my right cheek.

"Is that what your  
nightmare  
was about?  
Not wanting to be  
here?”  
It seems we speak  
in code.

So he finally decides to bring it up.  
I was dreading this moment.  
“Yes,”  
my answer is simple.

“I have them too,”  
he looks only slightly ashamed.  
“But they’re about my mother.”

“That is why you asked me  
of my own mother  
on Baroonda.”

“Yes.”

“What will you do?”

“I don’t know. Do you know?”

“No.”

We go back to our work and  
he doesn’t ask anymore questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is from "Goodbye, Apathy" by OneRepublic. I will eventually putting up a playlist on 8tracks with all the song I plan to use plus more in a playlist for Ashes In My Wake.


	3. "I was alone when I burned my home."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mox is being sent away - again.

Light leaks

through the vast windows

of the Council Chambers

and blinds me.

“You are going

to Ansion.

There is a border dispute

between the Alwari

and the Unity of Community.”

Master Windu

shifts forward in his seat

as he speaks.

 

“Yes Master.”

 

“Are you ready for this,

Padawan?”

 

“I am not going

on my own,

am I, Master?”

 

Windu’s face

turns into a grimace.

He hears the implication.

Yoda is none too happy

either.

I will not pretend

that my Master

is there for me

when he is not.

“Master Kenobi

specifically asked that you

in particular

be brought along.

He seems to think

you can help his padawan

with a number of his studies

and Luminara’s padawan

is still injured anyhow.

You will go in her stead

until she recovers.”

 

So Master Windu

is shipping me off

with someone else

yet again.

“Yes Master.”

I feel anger

rise in my chest

and I know they sense it.

 

**///**

 

“Maybe you can find out

what happened to your original Master

if you go back.”

Anakin and I have been ‘studying’

of late

and while I don’t dislike him

I don’t particularly like him either.

Our friendship is

strange.

“You know, since you don’t

remember.”

 

“I don’t want

to remember.”

 

“And why not?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

He groans.

“I’m bored with this.

Do you want to go

to get a meal?

It’s been a while

since I’ve been to Dex’s.”

 

I put my books away

and we leave.

While on the transport,

I remember Padme.

I don’t mention her to Anakin.

That is one thing

I get the feeling

I should keep to myself.

He loves her,

I think.

I feel the longing,

and not just for her,

but for his mother as well

because he amplifies them through

the Force,

seemingly hoping that

they feel it as well.

Padme certainly does.

I have learned to avoid the topics

that cause people pain.

 

“I’m glad you’re going with us

to Ansion,”

Anakin reveals over his juice.

I stare at my soup.

“Master Kenobi is a great teacher,

you know,

but sometimes I feel like he’s

overbearing.”

 

“As opposed to someone

who doesn’t care at all,

I would take an overbearing Master.”

Steam rises steadily.

 

“I suppose.

You don’t like Master Windu,

do you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Me neither.

On the bright side

at least you get a little time

away from him

and the Temple.

You don’t like it there

either,

do you?”

 

“You must be getting better

at sensing the Living Force.”

 

“No.

I just know you.”

 

I suppose he does.

We’ve spent most days

cooped up in the library

together

avoiding everyone else

with Master Kenobi

at the top of the list

of people to hide from.

It became a game

to us.

 

Master Kenobi would walk in

after his morning meditations

wanting progress reports,

and we would hide

in the back corners

or between the shelves

and the first one

to be found

has to buy lunch.

Anakin was found first today

after Master Kenobi heard him

laugh.

 

“Your Master is quite

annoyed

with us,

I would say.”

Judging by the looks

on his face

after he’s found Anakin and I,

he doesn’t find it as amusing

as we do.

“I’m surprised he asked

for me to come with you

considering how much trouble

we could get into.”

 

“He likes you better than me,

I think.”

Anakin makes a face.

“I’m a burden on him.”

 

Does he not feel the love

his Master holds for him?

“You are not.

He cares about you.

I can feel it.”

 

Anakin doesn’t respond.

 

“Do you guys want some dessert?”

The robot skates up to us,

with some kind of dough

looking mass.

 

“Oh yes, thank you.”

Anakin takes one

from her outstretched ‘hand’

and hands it to me

before taking one for himself.

 

I examine it,

and watch him take a bite.

I’ve never seen one of these before.

 

“It’s an Eopie cream pie,”

Anakin explains.

“From Tatooine.

My mother made them.”

 

I nod and take a tentative bite.

It’s good,

but the way he’s scarfing his down,

I give him mine as well.

“Here.”

It’s a symbol of home

for him

and I assume he doesn’t get many.

 

I don’t get any.

 

**///**

 

I pack up my things.

I’m leaving

the Temple

once again.

It will be

a relief.

 

Leaving here

gets easier

each time.


End file.
